Hell for me is...
1. How will I get to hell? In the backseat of a minivan driven by my mother. It is the most uncomfortable, panic inducing, nauseating experience of all time. And the window wouldn't open and her Rod Stewart CD would be blaring and the air could be on full blast so I couldn't hear but she'd insist on talking to me at the top of her voice anyway and she'd get mad at me when i couldn't hear her.
2. Who will greet me when I arrive in hell? Not to name names, but it would be a certain theatre "couple" who would insist on telling me their life stories and their take on everything having to do with any thing and everything going on in the world. Any time I opened my mouth they would correct me. And then they'd make out and make me watch. *shudder*
3. Where will they take me? Mr Champion's Algebra 3-4 classroom circa 1992.
4. Who will meet me there to answer any questions I have? Alan Keyes. And I wouldn't ask questions, but somehow I'd stilll have to listen to him go on and on and on. And then Ann Coulter would appear from no where and give a 16 day long hate filled speech. And then THEY would make out and I'd have to watch.
5. Who, then, will be there to make sure I know I am in hell? M*** M***o. (I can't write his whole name cause he probably googles himself every day just to sue whoever breathes his name. I should just call him "he who must not be named" but that wouldn't be very fair to Voldemort.) He was an attorney who sued my mom for millions of dollars 15 years ago. He had at one time been my dad's best friend but the day my dad died he started to harrass my mom and make the next 10 years of her life a living hell. Hence, hell.
6. What food will be served in my hell? tomatoes, liver and onions, turkey gravy, venison, clam chowder and mountain dew.
7. Who will drop by to remind me that I am in hell? George Bush. But he'll try to reason with me and tell me all the reasons it a good idea to stay in hell til we can declare victory. "if we leave, Satan wins".
8. What will I say when Satan asks what my least favorite thing about living was? The fact that wo many kids are forced to live with disease, disformity, mental retardation and paralysis with no say in the matter. They are born with these problems and will never have the opportunity to know what it's like to live a "normal" life.
9. My hell will also be filled with day before thanksgiving traffic in Chicago, country music, romantic comedies starring Kate Hudson, Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Lopez, dudes who only like to hang out in night clubs, mean cats, sweat coated exercise equipment, tummy exposing t-shirts, high heels and Lindsay Lohan.
My personal heaven...
Heaven For Me Is...
1. How will I travel to Heaven? if I had my way, it would be on a speed boat. Not a yacht, obviously not a canoe. But some boat where I can feel the water splashing on my face as we race along. And I get to drive.
2. Who will greet me when I arrive? Aunt Marci. She will give me one of her signature hugs and make feel feel at ease and welcome. She'll probably have made me a bowl of "pink stuff", too (family inside recipe...)
3. Where will she take me? In the book, Heaven is a familiar place that was a source of great comfort to the deceased while they were alive. For me, that place would probably be an olympic size lap pool. The one place where I have always felt strong and fast yet relaxed and safe. In heaven you can probably be in the pool for as long as you want without turning into a raisin.
4. Once I've been escorted to my personal Heaven, who will be there to answer my questions? Fr Schiffmayer. He was an older clergyman who once was the head of the church I grew up in. So smart, so spiritual and really very funny. He was very close to my family and I miss him.
5. After my questions have been answered, who will be there to comfort me and put me at peace? Oh my dad! (After he tells me HIS versions of all the answers, of course). I can't think of anything more comforting that being hugged and loved by him. I'll bet that i'd be put on a waiting list for this one, because I'm sure right now there is a long line in heaven just to get a meeting with him. He's pretty awesome.
6. What comfort food will be supplied for me in Heaven? Italian, of course. My grandma and Grandpa Vecchio will be there with all the mostaccioli I can eat, garlic bread soaked in butter, a nice steak medium rare, pistacchio gelato and heaven's biggest canoli.
7. Which deceased heroes of mine will drop by to visit? Gilda Radner and Madeline Kahn to go over what I did right and what I did wrong in ways of comedy...Harriet Tubman to tell me what it was really like...Elvis to make out with me...FDR to remind me that the US was once a place with hope...a sober yet still crazy as shit James Brown to sing his entire collection...Ethel Merman to tap dance and sing with me...
8. When God asks what I liked most about living, how will I answer? I"ll thank him for my kids. I can't think of a place I've been or person I've met or thing I've witnessed that's given me more pleasure than loving my kids.
My Heaven will also be filled with grassy hills to roll down, swingsets, sparkling lemonade, boats and boats and boats, surf to play in, spur of the moment Elvis concerts, all of my friends happy with their bodies and their brains and a window to watch my kids grow up and eventually the opportunity to greet them as well.
What is Heaven to you?
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