In the continuing list of ways to prepare yourself for a life of role-modeling, parent-teacher conferences, diaper changes and anxiety attacks...
1. Get a job at an animal shelter working with the puppies. Sit in the room with the puppies while they're awake and yip yip yipping for hours on end. Try to talk on the phone to your accountant, agent, best friend or pizza delivery service. Keep your cool and don't you dare yell. They're just puppies. They don't know any better, you horrible person.
2. Put locks on everything. Lose the keys. When you find the keys, shove them into the lock out of anger for losing them in first place and jam the lock. Try to rip open the cabinet or door in anger and fail. Call a locksmith. He'll help you retrieve your DVD's, heart medicine or porn in no time flat. Save the locksmith's number.
3. Fold the laundry (which I encouraged you in a past blog to NEVER stop doing). When you are done, and before you put it away, run around the room blindfolded. Fall directly into the folded laundry and pretend like you're swimming in it. Refold without complaining.
4. If you are female, throw away all of your beauty products: make up, hair sprays, perfume, nail polish, etc. you wont have time to use it...EVER. If you are male, stop bathing. You won't have time or energy to wash.
5. Get yourself and anyone else in your home to make sure they pee before falling asleep. All I'm saying is there was quite a mess in the fridge one time when a certain 6 year old who was famous for sleep walking did just that...
You're almost a pro now!
1 comment:
You have hit the nail on the small crying pooping head! Thanks so much for doing this. I feel a little less crazy and out of control knowing that I am not alone in this chaos!
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