Ready to be a Parent? Part I

Below is first in a series of "How to get ready to be a parent" according to the Glamazon...

1. Stop sleeping. If you do fall asleep, set your alarm for every two hours and after the second time you wake up, sleep face down on the floor with no blanket or pillow. Once a week, change sheets in the middle of the night, wash the other ones.

2. Spread small, undectectable objects around your house. Step on their sharp edges at least once an hour.

3. Put on your most expensive outfit. Throw up on it. Repeat.

4. Have someone come and step on your feet with their heaviest shoes. Try not to scream or swear.

5. Pour yogurt, orange juice and milk on your kitchen floor. Clean. Repeat every morning.

6. Remove the batteries from every gadget you own and replace. Repeat every morning. Go buy new batteries.

7. Get to know the front desk workers and nurse practitioners at your local emergency room or immediate care center. Send them flowers or take them out for a drink at your local Houlihans or Outback steak house. They need it and you will need them.

8. Memorize every song from "Bear in the Big Blue House", "Caillou", "Noddy", "Thomas The Tank Engine" and "Bob the Builder". Sing them to your friends. Whoever sings along will be your friend for a long time to come. If they look at you quizzically, keep them, too. You'll need them to go drinking with once a month.

9. If you need to go pick up something at the store in a hurry, drive to the store, but take a long 2- 30 lb sacks of wiggling kittens. Strap them into the back seat belts of a car (don't you dare walk). When you get to the store, take one sack of kittens on your hip and drag the other along. If someone gives you a dirty look, shrug your shoulder and say "Cats".

10. Bite your tongue. Practice a "no road rage" "no store rage" "no public place" rage policy. If you do feel the need to snap at someone, make sure you keep it clean. Use words like "phooey" "poopies" and "that just wasn't very nice or fair of you, sir, but I forgive you cause it's the right thing to do and I want to do the right thing".

yeah! You're gettin there... now go practice.