In the continuing list of ways to prepare yourself for a life of role-modeling, parent-teacher conferences, diaper changes and anxiety attacks...
1. Get a job at an animal shelter working with the puppies. Sit in the room with the puppies while they're awake and yip yip yipping for hours on end. Try to talk on the phone to your accountant, agent, best friend or pizza delivery service. Keep your cool and don't you dare yell. They're just puppies. They don't know any better, you horrible person.
2. Put locks on everything. Lose the keys. When you find the keys, shove them into the lock out of anger for losing them in first place and jam the lock. Try to rip open the cabinet or door in anger and fail. Call a locksmith. He'll help you retrieve your DVD's, heart medicine or porn in no time flat. Save the locksmith's number.
3. Fold the laundry (which I encouraged you in a past blog to NEVER stop doing). When you are done, and before you put it away, run around the room blindfolded. Fall directly into the folded laundry and pretend like you're swimming in it. Refold without complaining.
4. If you are female, throw away all of your beauty products: make up, hair sprays, perfume, nail polish, etc. you wont have time to use it...EVER. If you are male, stop bathing. You won't have time or energy to wash.
5. Get yourself and anyone else in your home to make sure they pee before falling asleep. All I'm saying is there was quite a mess in the fridge one time when a certain 6 year old who was famous for sleep walking did just that...
You're almost a pro now!
24 July 2009
Ready to be a Parent? Part II
More ways to practice for parenthood....
1. Watch gory movies. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Prom night 1 (Not that lame "Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou") or any other movie that has more blood than dialogue will do. These will help desensitize you to the massive amount of blood that comes along with a head wound.
2. Start referring to yourself in the 3rd person. "Sarafina would like a taco supreme without tomatoes". "Sarafina hasn't showered in 4 days". "Sarafina is so wasted and yes Sarafina would love another Pinot Grigio".
3. On a day when you are having company over, take a red crayon and write your name on your living room wall in 4'x4' letters. Become friends with the 'Magic Eraser".
4. If you're a woman, pour thick liquids down your cleavage once in awhile. If you're a man, ask your best friend to punch you in the balls once a week.
5. Go to your favorite restaurant. Ask for 10 packages of oyster crackers, 2 packs of crayons, and a plate covered in ketchup. Throw it all on the floor, scream obscenities at the top of your lungs then try to walk out like nothing happened.
Getting closer! you're gonna be great...
1. Watch gory movies. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Prom night 1 (Not that lame "Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou") or any other movie that has more blood than dialogue will do. These will help desensitize you to the massive amount of blood that comes along with a head wound.
2. Start referring to yourself in the 3rd person. "Sarafina would like a taco supreme without tomatoes". "Sarafina hasn't showered in 4 days". "Sarafina is so wasted and yes Sarafina would love another Pinot Grigio".
3. On a day when you are having company over, take a red crayon and write your name on your living room wall in 4'x4' letters. Become friends with the 'Magic Eraser".
4. If you're a woman, pour thick liquids down your cleavage once in awhile. If you're a man, ask your best friend to punch you in the balls once a week.
5. Go to your favorite restaurant. Ask for 10 packages of oyster crackers, 2 packs of crayons, and a plate covered in ketchup. Throw it all on the floor, scream obscenities at the top of your lungs then try to walk out like nothing happened.
Getting closer! you're gonna be great...
Ready to be a Parent? Part I
Below is first in a series of "How to get ready to be a parent" according to the Glamazon...
1. Stop sleeping. If you do fall asleep, set your alarm for every two hours and after the second time you wake up, sleep face down on the floor with no blanket or pillow. Once a week, change sheets in the middle of the night, wash the other ones.
2. Spread small, undectectable objects around your house. Step on their sharp edges at least once an hour.
3. Put on your most expensive outfit. Throw up on it. Repeat.
4. Have someone come and step on your feet with their heaviest shoes. Try not to scream or swear.
5. Pour yogurt, orange juice and milk on your kitchen floor. Clean. Repeat every morning.
6. Remove the batteries from every gadget you own and replace. Repeat every morning. Go buy new batteries.
7. Get to know the front desk workers and nurse practitioners at your local emergency room or immediate care center. Send them flowers or take them out for a drink at your local Houlihans or Outback steak house. They need it and you will need them.
8. Memorize every song from "Bear in the Big Blue House", "Caillou", "Noddy", "Thomas The Tank Engine" and "Bob the Builder". Sing them to your friends. Whoever sings along will be your friend for a long time to come. If they look at you quizzically, keep them, too. You'll need them to go drinking with once a month.
9. If you need to go pick up something at the store in a hurry, drive to the store, but take a long 2- 30 lb sacks of wiggling kittens. Strap them into the back seat belts of a car (don't you dare walk). When you get to the store, take one sack of kittens on your hip and drag the other along. If someone gives you a dirty look, shrug your shoulder and say "Cats".
10. Bite your tongue. Practice a "no road rage" "no store rage" "no public place" rage policy. If you do feel the need to snap at someone, make sure you keep it clean. Use words like "phooey" "poopies" and "that just wasn't very nice or fair of you, sir, but I forgive you cause it's the right thing to do and I want to do the right thing".
yeah! You're gettin there... now go practice.
1. Stop sleeping. If you do fall asleep, set your alarm for every two hours and after the second time you wake up, sleep face down on the floor with no blanket or pillow. Once a week, change sheets in the middle of the night, wash the other ones.
2. Spread small, undectectable objects around your house. Step on their sharp edges at least once an hour.
3. Put on your most expensive outfit. Throw up on it. Repeat.
4. Have someone come and step on your feet with their heaviest shoes. Try not to scream or swear.
5. Pour yogurt, orange juice and milk on your kitchen floor. Clean. Repeat every morning.
6. Remove the batteries from every gadget you own and replace. Repeat every morning. Go buy new batteries.
7. Get to know the front desk workers and nurse practitioners at your local emergency room or immediate care center. Send them flowers or take them out for a drink at your local Houlihans or Outback steak house. They need it and you will need them.
8. Memorize every song from "Bear in the Big Blue House", "Caillou", "Noddy", "Thomas The Tank Engine" and "Bob the Builder". Sing them to your friends. Whoever sings along will be your friend for a long time to come. If they look at you quizzically, keep them, too. You'll need them to go drinking with once a month.
9. If you need to go pick up something at the store in a hurry, drive to the store, but take a long 2- 30 lb sacks of wiggling kittens. Strap them into the back seat belts of a car (don't you dare walk). When you get to the store, take one sack of kittens on your hip and drag the other along. If someone gives you a dirty look, shrug your shoulder and say "Cats".
10. Bite your tongue. Practice a "no road rage" "no store rage" "no public place" rage policy. If you do feel the need to snap at someone, make sure you keep it clean. Use words like "phooey" "poopies" and "that just wasn't very nice or fair of you, sir, but I forgive you cause it's the right thing to do and I want to do the right thing".
yeah! You're gettin there... now go practice.
14 July 2009
A Year in Review
Top 10 things that happened to me (good and not so good) since I last posted in May of 08...
(In chronological order)
1. My lovely, dear, wonderful grandmother passed away at 91 years old. She was at home here in my mother's house, which is also our office. Her death was extremely hard to watch, but its now comforting to know that she is with her children whom she missed so much and her brothers and sisters and the love of her life whom she wasn't allowed to marry because she wasn't Jewish (he had one of THOSE moms...), Louis. RIP Gaga!
2. Went to Greece for 10 days with Despina. Naked in a mud bath. Swimming in the Aegean. Propeller Plane. Not being able to speak a lick of Greek and getting in heaps and heaps of trouble because of it. Understanding my best friend's family so much better! :)
3. A ridiculous trip to Vegas. And by ridiculous I mean a waste of time, money and brain cells. Wait...all my trips to Vegas good and bad have been that way.
4 and 5. TWO road trips to Disney World. With 2 very spoiled and wonderful children. Polynesian Resort. GO THERE. NOW!
6. A repeat of the role of "Fraulein Schneider" in 'Cabaret' where I met many wonderful people and we sold out all the shows and had to add more. SUCCESS!
7. A very hard third grade year for Jack. He is proving to be very sensitive but also very kind and courageous. I like that.
8. Sofia, at 4 years old, cut all of her hair off in January. It has yet to grow back. I found out she has a 120 IQ. She still cut her hair off.
9. "Hello, Dolly". Played the part again after 12 years. The costumes still fit. Probably not a good thing. A good reception. Horrific set, built well, designed poorly. Sad. got to finally dance with Terry on stage while NOT wearing a leotard a la A Chorus Line.
10. Was cast as Julie In "Miss Julie"- a turning point in my acting career for sure. Oh the things I learned I had inside of me...still trying to either push them back down and ignore them or cough all remnants of them up so I can get on with my life!
OK....now I can continue to write about the ridiculous things that happen to me. It's sad that a year of my life can be summed up in so few words. I hope my obituary is longer. And covered in fucking glitter.
(In chronological order)
1. My lovely, dear, wonderful grandmother passed away at 91 years old. She was at home here in my mother's house, which is also our office. Her death was extremely hard to watch, but its now comforting to know that she is with her children whom she missed so much and her brothers and sisters and the love of her life whom she wasn't allowed to marry because she wasn't Jewish (he had one of THOSE moms...), Louis. RIP Gaga!
2. Went to Greece for 10 days with Despina. Naked in a mud bath. Swimming in the Aegean. Propeller Plane. Not being able to speak a lick of Greek and getting in heaps and heaps of trouble because of it. Understanding my best friend's family so much better! :)
3. A ridiculous trip to Vegas. And by ridiculous I mean a waste of time, money and brain cells. Wait...all my trips to Vegas good and bad have been that way.
4 and 5. TWO road trips to Disney World. With 2 very spoiled and wonderful children. Polynesian Resort. GO THERE. NOW!
6. A repeat of the role of "Fraulein Schneider" in 'Cabaret' where I met many wonderful people and we sold out all the shows and had to add more. SUCCESS!
7. A very hard third grade year for Jack. He is proving to be very sensitive but also very kind and courageous. I like that.
8. Sofia, at 4 years old, cut all of her hair off in January. It has yet to grow back. I found out she has a 120 IQ. She still cut her hair off.
9. "Hello, Dolly". Played the part again after 12 years. The costumes still fit. Probably not a good thing. A good reception. Horrific set, built well, designed poorly. Sad. got to finally dance with Terry on stage while NOT wearing a leotard a la A Chorus Line.
10. Was cast as Julie In "Miss Julie"- a turning point in my acting career for sure. Oh the things I learned I had inside of me...still trying to either push them back down and ignore them or cough all remnants of them up so I can get on with my life!
OK....now I can continue to write about the ridiculous things that happen to me. It's sad that a year of my life can be summed up in so few words. I hope my obituary is longer. And covered in fucking glitter.
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