Actually a story from 2005, but needed to be rewritten and posted. Everything is true. God bless the CPD
So- I had the scariest thing happen to me last night.........ready?.here
goes........................I had been at Duffy's on Diversey with Gina (in
town from L.A.), Carrie Bruno, Dez, Damian, Melissa and Adamczak. I was
driving, so thank God I had not been drinking. I had to leave about 1:30 cause, well, I
have kids and I have to be an adult, right?
SO I leave them all there and get on my way. I go west on Diversey and
right before I get to Ashland I think "hmm....the projects are coming up
soon, I'm going to turn right on Ashland and take it up to Addison and take
that to 90. "SO, I turn right and go North a couple blocks when BLAM! My
driver's side window explodes- fucking BLOWS UP. So I start freaking out
because I've just been shot at. I tear out of there like a bat out of hell.
There's glass flying everywhere- I'm screaming crying- I try to call all of
those guys still at the bar- I finally get ahold of Joe- but what the hell
do I expect him to do? So......I get off the phone with him (and now I've
sent everyone into a panic- and it was both Carrie and Melissa's birthdays-
nice of me to cause drama when they're having drunken fun). I have no idea
where there's a police station except in my old neighborhood, so I drive all
the way to Pulaski and Irving Park. I didn't want to stop because I had no
idea where this gun fire came from- no idea if I was being followed- and I
was completely alone. I had a cab driver who had pulled up next to me at a
light in a worried frenzy because here I am- this chick screaming crying
with glass all over her driving around Chicago.
Well, here's the conversation I had at the police station with come beat
cops and "Wojohowitz", the cop who was very pissed off to be on desk duty
that night......
ME: (Getting out of my car and running into the police station, covered in
glass, black make up all over my face, flip flops flopping in pure panic)
(to cop #1): Can you please help me?
COP #1: (walking John Wayne style slow up to me) What's wrong?
ME: I think I was just shot at- can you please look at my car?
COP #1: *SIGH* Sure.
We go back outside with his partner- a 5'2" asian dude who looked lkike
Bobby what's his name from Mad TV and all I could think of was his Connie
Chung.
They turn on their mag lites and kind of look in the car- didn't open any
doors or anything.
COP #2: You can go to the car wash down the street- they have vaccuums.
ME: Um......I realy don't feel like going to a car wash at 2 a.m.
COP #1: Well, we could follow you and watch to make sure you're OK.
ME: I think I'll handle it later.
COP #2: Probably just random gun fire. You can either go inside and file a
report or call 311.
ME: (INNER MONOLOGUE) 311? The grafitti number? Are you out of your
MIND???????????????? I WAS JUST ALMOST
MURDERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
COP #1: Yeah, just vaccuum that up and call your insurance tomorrow after
you file the report.
ME: I think I'll file it here and now. I really don't feel like getting in
the car just yet.
COP #2: (Says something to the effect of) Suit Yourself
So I walk back in- keep in mind that I am still crying like a baby at this
point- I walk up to Wojohowitz- seriously the dude was the Polish missing
link- he doesn't look up from his BOOK he is reading.
ME: Excuse me
W: (doesn't say a damn thing- just looks at me)
ME: Can I file this report with you?
W: What's it for?
ME: I was shot at through my driver's side window.
W: Where'd it happen?
ME: A little North of Diversey on Ashland.
W: Diversey and Ashland?
ANOTHER COP, (we'll call him Fish): That's 19th District. They're at Belmont
and Western
ME: You want me to drive to Belmont and Western?
FISH: That's their district. You should have gone there.
ME: You know, if you guys are too busy here to help me, I'll call 311 and
file the report.
W: No, that's fine.
ME: I'm sorry, I'm just really shaken up
W: (In the most SARCASTIC, CONDESCENDING TONE OF ALL TIME) You want me to
call you an ambulance? (And laughs)
ME: Please, no.
W: What was the address where this happened?
ME: I don't know- 2 blocks North of Diversey on Ashland.
W: Well, I need an address.
ME: I have no idea
W: Well, I NEED an ADDRESS.
ME: Diversey and Ashland!
He throws down his pencil and goes and asks onE of the other officers about
the address situation
He comes back
W: I'm just going to say 2800 North Ashland. Is that OK?
ME: Absolutely-knock yourself out
FISH: Yeah- that was probably (eats a bite of a sandwich) just gunfire from
the projects over there.
ME: Well, that makes me feel better (nervous laugh)
W: What's your home phone number? Area code first.
ME: 224-569-2677
W: 224?
ME: Yeah- they ran out of 847 numbers
I have to repeat the number to him 6 times until he gets it right.
He then finishes the report on the computer with the help of THREE other
officers- and at one point they actually mistakenly called 9-1-1. How that
happened, I'll never know.
After 15 minutes- and I'm still crying- freaked out - and NO ONE has said
"are you OK" or even a good ol "Calm Down melodramatic woman". Unbelievable.
This is the state of the world.
Anyway, he hands me a carbon copy
W: your report number is (insert any number here, preferably 666)
He then pulls his book back out and continues where he left off
ME: Is that it?
W: yeah. You can go.
FISH: Oh- there's a car wash down the street where you can go vaccuum up the
glass.
ME: Thanks.
I go outside and begin the process of getting the glass off of my seat and
the dashboard so I don't blind myself on the way home with shards of flying
glass
COP #3: (following me outside) so you're from Elgin?
ME: No, actually, I live in Huntley now
COP #3: Well, nothing's going to happen to you out there, is it? (Laughs)
ME: Well, we'll see (As I'm now picking up glass off the street so no one
gets a flat tire)
COP #3: You'd better hurry back out to the country. It's going to rain.
ME: (Looking right at him and bugging my eyes out)
YAAAAAAAAY........YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!
COP #3:(Just looks at me blankly and turns to walk to his car)
I get the hell out of there and drive 40 minutes home with the window down and it's cold.
24 July 2009
Ready to Be a Parent? Part III
In the continuing list of ways to prepare yourself for a life of role-modeling, parent-teacher conferences, diaper changes and anxiety attacks...
1. Get a job at an animal shelter working with the puppies. Sit in the room with the puppies while they're awake and yip yip yipping for hours on end. Try to talk on the phone to your accountant, agent, best friend or pizza delivery service. Keep your cool and don't you dare yell. They're just puppies. They don't know any better, you horrible person.
2. Put locks on everything. Lose the keys. When you find the keys, shove them into the lock out of anger for losing them in first place and jam the lock. Try to rip open the cabinet or door in anger and fail. Call a locksmith. He'll help you retrieve your DVD's, heart medicine or porn in no time flat. Save the locksmith's number.
3. Fold the laundry (which I encouraged you in a past blog to NEVER stop doing). When you are done, and before you put it away, run around the room blindfolded. Fall directly into the folded laundry and pretend like you're swimming in it. Refold without complaining.
4. If you are female, throw away all of your beauty products: make up, hair sprays, perfume, nail polish, etc. you wont have time to use it...EVER. If you are male, stop bathing. You won't have time or energy to wash.
5. Get yourself and anyone else in your home to make sure they pee before falling asleep. All I'm saying is there was quite a mess in the fridge one time when a certain 6 year old who was famous for sleep walking did just that...
You're almost a pro now!
1. Get a job at an animal shelter working with the puppies. Sit in the room with the puppies while they're awake and yip yip yipping for hours on end. Try to talk on the phone to your accountant, agent, best friend or pizza delivery service. Keep your cool and don't you dare yell. They're just puppies. They don't know any better, you horrible person.
2. Put locks on everything. Lose the keys. When you find the keys, shove them into the lock out of anger for losing them in first place and jam the lock. Try to rip open the cabinet or door in anger and fail. Call a locksmith. He'll help you retrieve your DVD's, heart medicine or porn in no time flat. Save the locksmith's number.
3. Fold the laundry (which I encouraged you in a past blog to NEVER stop doing). When you are done, and before you put it away, run around the room blindfolded. Fall directly into the folded laundry and pretend like you're swimming in it. Refold without complaining.
4. If you are female, throw away all of your beauty products: make up, hair sprays, perfume, nail polish, etc. you wont have time to use it...EVER. If you are male, stop bathing. You won't have time or energy to wash.
5. Get yourself and anyone else in your home to make sure they pee before falling asleep. All I'm saying is there was quite a mess in the fridge one time when a certain 6 year old who was famous for sleep walking did just that...
You're almost a pro now!
Ready to be a Parent? Part II
More ways to practice for parenthood....
1. Watch gory movies. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Prom night 1 (Not that lame "Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou") or any other movie that has more blood than dialogue will do. These will help desensitize you to the massive amount of blood that comes along with a head wound.
2. Start referring to yourself in the 3rd person. "Sarafina would like a taco supreme without tomatoes". "Sarafina hasn't showered in 4 days". "Sarafina is so wasted and yes Sarafina would love another Pinot Grigio".
3. On a day when you are having company over, take a red crayon and write your name on your living room wall in 4'x4' letters. Become friends with the 'Magic Eraser".
4. If you're a woman, pour thick liquids down your cleavage once in awhile. If you're a man, ask your best friend to punch you in the balls once a week.
5. Go to your favorite restaurant. Ask for 10 packages of oyster crackers, 2 packs of crayons, and a plate covered in ketchup. Throw it all on the floor, scream obscenities at the top of your lungs then try to walk out like nothing happened.
Getting closer! you're gonna be great...
1. Watch gory movies. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Prom night 1 (Not that lame "Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou") or any other movie that has more blood than dialogue will do. These will help desensitize you to the massive amount of blood that comes along with a head wound.
2. Start referring to yourself in the 3rd person. "Sarafina would like a taco supreme without tomatoes". "Sarafina hasn't showered in 4 days". "Sarafina is so wasted and yes Sarafina would love another Pinot Grigio".
3. On a day when you are having company over, take a red crayon and write your name on your living room wall in 4'x4' letters. Become friends with the 'Magic Eraser".
4. If you're a woman, pour thick liquids down your cleavage once in awhile. If you're a man, ask your best friend to punch you in the balls once a week.
5. Go to your favorite restaurant. Ask for 10 packages of oyster crackers, 2 packs of crayons, and a plate covered in ketchup. Throw it all on the floor, scream obscenities at the top of your lungs then try to walk out like nothing happened.
Getting closer! you're gonna be great...
Ready to be a Parent? Part I
Below is first in a series of "How to get ready to be a parent" according to the Glamazon...
1. Stop sleeping. If you do fall asleep, set your alarm for every two hours and after the second time you wake up, sleep face down on the floor with no blanket or pillow. Once a week, change sheets in the middle of the night, wash the other ones.
2. Spread small, undectectable objects around your house. Step on their sharp edges at least once an hour.
3. Put on your most expensive outfit. Throw up on it. Repeat.
4. Have someone come and step on your feet with their heaviest shoes. Try not to scream or swear.
5. Pour yogurt, orange juice and milk on your kitchen floor. Clean. Repeat every morning.
6. Remove the batteries from every gadget you own and replace. Repeat every morning. Go buy new batteries.
7. Get to know the front desk workers and nurse practitioners at your local emergency room or immediate care center. Send them flowers or take them out for a drink at your local Houlihans or Outback steak house. They need it and you will need them.
8. Memorize every song from "Bear in the Big Blue House", "Caillou", "Noddy", "Thomas The Tank Engine" and "Bob the Builder". Sing them to your friends. Whoever sings along will be your friend for a long time to come. If they look at you quizzically, keep them, too. You'll need them to go drinking with once a month.
9. If you need to go pick up something at the store in a hurry, drive to the store, but take a long 2- 30 lb sacks of wiggling kittens. Strap them into the back seat belts of a car (don't you dare walk). When you get to the store, take one sack of kittens on your hip and drag the other along. If someone gives you a dirty look, shrug your shoulder and say "Cats".
10. Bite your tongue. Practice a "no road rage" "no store rage" "no public place" rage policy. If you do feel the need to snap at someone, make sure you keep it clean. Use words like "phooey" "poopies" and "that just wasn't very nice or fair of you, sir, but I forgive you cause it's the right thing to do and I want to do the right thing".
yeah! You're gettin there... now go practice.
1. Stop sleeping. If you do fall asleep, set your alarm for every two hours and after the second time you wake up, sleep face down on the floor with no blanket or pillow. Once a week, change sheets in the middle of the night, wash the other ones.
2. Spread small, undectectable objects around your house. Step on their sharp edges at least once an hour.
3. Put on your most expensive outfit. Throw up on it. Repeat.
4. Have someone come and step on your feet with their heaviest shoes. Try not to scream or swear.
5. Pour yogurt, orange juice and milk on your kitchen floor. Clean. Repeat every morning.
6. Remove the batteries from every gadget you own and replace. Repeat every morning. Go buy new batteries.
7. Get to know the front desk workers and nurse practitioners at your local emergency room or immediate care center. Send them flowers or take them out for a drink at your local Houlihans or Outback steak house. They need it and you will need them.
8. Memorize every song from "Bear in the Big Blue House", "Caillou", "Noddy", "Thomas The Tank Engine" and "Bob the Builder". Sing them to your friends. Whoever sings along will be your friend for a long time to come. If they look at you quizzically, keep them, too. You'll need them to go drinking with once a month.
9. If you need to go pick up something at the store in a hurry, drive to the store, but take a long 2- 30 lb sacks of wiggling kittens. Strap them into the back seat belts of a car (don't you dare walk). When you get to the store, take one sack of kittens on your hip and drag the other along. If someone gives you a dirty look, shrug your shoulder and say "Cats".
10. Bite your tongue. Practice a "no road rage" "no store rage" "no public place" rage policy. If you do feel the need to snap at someone, make sure you keep it clean. Use words like "phooey" "poopies" and "that just wasn't very nice or fair of you, sir, but I forgive you cause it's the right thing to do and I want to do the right thing".
yeah! You're gettin there... now go practice.
14 July 2009
A Year in Review
Top 10 things that happened to me (good and not so good) since I last posted in May of 08...
(In chronological order)
1. My lovely, dear, wonderful grandmother passed away at 91 years old. She was at home here in my mother's house, which is also our office. Her death was extremely hard to watch, but its now comforting to know that she is with her children whom she missed so much and her brothers and sisters and the love of her life whom she wasn't allowed to marry because she wasn't Jewish (he had one of THOSE moms...), Louis. RIP Gaga!
2. Went to Greece for 10 days with Despina. Naked in a mud bath. Swimming in the Aegean. Propeller Plane. Not being able to speak a lick of Greek and getting in heaps and heaps of trouble because of it. Understanding my best friend's family so much better! :)
3. A ridiculous trip to Vegas. And by ridiculous I mean a waste of time, money and brain cells. Wait...all my trips to Vegas good and bad have been that way.
4 and 5. TWO road trips to Disney World. With 2 very spoiled and wonderful children. Polynesian Resort. GO THERE. NOW!
6. A repeat of the role of "Fraulein Schneider" in 'Cabaret' where I met many wonderful people and we sold out all the shows and had to add more. SUCCESS!
7. A very hard third grade year for Jack. He is proving to be very sensitive but also very kind and courageous. I like that.
8. Sofia, at 4 years old, cut all of her hair off in January. It has yet to grow back. I found out she has a 120 IQ. She still cut her hair off.
9. "Hello, Dolly". Played the part again after 12 years. The costumes still fit. Probably not a good thing. A good reception. Horrific set, built well, designed poorly. Sad. got to finally dance with Terry on stage while NOT wearing a leotard a la A Chorus Line.
10. Was cast as Julie In "Miss Julie"- a turning point in my acting career for sure. Oh the things I learned I had inside of me...still trying to either push them back down and ignore them or cough all remnants of them up so I can get on with my life!
OK....now I can continue to write about the ridiculous things that happen to me. It's sad that a year of my life can be summed up in so few words. I hope my obituary is longer. And covered in fucking glitter.
(In chronological order)
1. My lovely, dear, wonderful grandmother passed away at 91 years old. She was at home here in my mother's house, which is also our office. Her death was extremely hard to watch, but its now comforting to know that she is with her children whom she missed so much and her brothers and sisters and the love of her life whom she wasn't allowed to marry because she wasn't Jewish (he had one of THOSE moms...), Louis. RIP Gaga!
2. Went to Greece for 10 days with Despina. Naked in a mud bath. Swimming in the Aegean. Propeller Plane. Not being able to speak a lick of Greek and getting in heaps and heaps of trouble because of it. Understanding my best friend's family so much better! :)
3. A ridiculous trip to Vegas. And by ridiculous I mean a waste of time, money and brain cells. Wait...all my trips to Vegas good and bad have been that way.
4 and 5. TWO road trips to Disney World. With 2 very spoiled and wonderful children. Polynesian Resort. GO THERE. NOW!
6. A repeat of the role of "Fraulein Schneider" in 'Cabaret' where I met many wonderful people and we sold out all the shows and had to add more. SUCCESS!
7. A very hard third grade year for Jack. He is proving to be very sensitive but also very kind and courageous. I like that.
8. Sofia, at 4 years old, cut all of her hair off in January. It has yet to grow back. I found out she has a 120 IQ. She still cut her hair off.
9. "Hello, Dolly". Played the part again after 12 years. The costumes still fit. Probably not a good thing. A good reception. Horrific set, built well, designed poorly. Sad. got to finally dance with Terry on stage while NOT wearing a leotard a la A Chorus Line.
10. Was cast as Julie In "Miss Julie"- a turning point in my acting career for sure. Oh the things I learned I had inside of me...still trying to either push them back down and ignore them or cough all remnants of them up so I can get on with my life!
OK....now I can continue to write about the ridiculous things that happen to me. It's sad that a year of my life can be summed up in so few words. I hope my obituary is longer. And covered in fucking glitter.
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