So... one of my eleventy jobs I have is teaching kids how to act and model and write and all that stuff that I am somehow qualified to do. It's a job I absolutely love because I always catch the kids surprising themselves when they let go of their fears and really show something about themselves that they have been taught to cover up for fear of being embarrassed.
Usually the first thing I do is have the kids go around in a circle and say their name, their age, what they like to do and then I have them name one thing they can do that they think no one else can do. Like a super special talent. This freaks them out at first because they all have that "I have no idea what to say- there's nothing special about me" look on their face, but after a couple minutes the talents that are revealed are usually hilarious and amazing. This always gets the kids talking and laughing and helps to break the ice.
And then today I started thinking about what special talents I might have. I have been particularly hard on myself the past few weeks because I feel like I have bad luck. And nothing is going right. And everyone else is more successful and deserving than I am. And that my life will always be hard even though I work my ass off. And that every good thing that happens to me is going to somehow not work out in the end and that no matter how hard I try I am just cursed. You know. It's that thing called "anxiety" and I get it from time to time.
So right now, as a way of battling that nasty "A" word, I would like to list my super special talents that I don't think many other people in the world have and that make me...well, ME...
1: I have double jointed shoulders. It's true. I can put the backs of my hands flush against my belly and bring my elbows together at 90 degree angles. This freaks people out. Especially when my elbows clap together. And the fact that my arms are freakishly long makes this even more entertaining. I've only met two other people who can do this. One is male and one is Canadian, so really, I might be the only female American who can do this. In fact, I am certain I am.
2: I can roll my stomach muscles vertically with absolute perfect precision. I can start from the bottom and go up and I can start from the top and go down. It might be a little perverse and a little weird, but I can do it and I have been able to since I was little. The really cool thing is that my daughter inherited this talent from me. Perhaps we will join the circus.
3: I can inhale and have my nostrils stick to the middle portion (septum? what the hell is that called?) of my nose. No need to hold my nose. I can do it with no hands! I call this my Cabbage Patch Kid impersonation.
4: I can stick spoons to my face like nobody's business. I have a very "strong" (eh hem) chin and high cheekbones and a little nose. These points of my face make for some excellent spoon hanging. My record is six spoons at once. It may have been even higher but my mom made me take them off before the bride and groom noticed.
5: I can drive with my knees. In fact, I probably drive with my knees more than I should. It's something I've always done and it's hard for me to imagine not being able to drive without this talent. I feel bad for those who can't. Makes driving while putting on mascara, eating a taco and texting so much easier!
There are other things I can do, like Ethel Merman and Katharine Hepburn impressions, or laughing like Krusty the Clown or getting any baby at any age to smile (I have not failed yet!), but the talents listed above are my personal favorites and the ones that I kind of hope end up in my obituary:
"Glamazon died in a fiery car accident Wednesday because she was driving with her knees, leaving behind two Glamazonian children, one of whom can roll their stomach muscles in an inherited sort of way and one who was always grossed out by his mother's lanky arms, unless they were wrapped around him. In lieu of flowers, please make donations to the National Society for Pointless Facial Utensil Hangings."
There we go. At least I feel a little bit more meaningful than I did an hour ago...
Glamazon: one
Depression: zero
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